Keeping busy

I decided to keep busy today. Yes! I resolved to turn over a new leaf and amend my life! First I needed a stiff drink or three for motivation. So I knocked back six or seven shots and read the news.

R.I.P. Tony Scott read the headline. Another gifted artist gone forever. Apparently he parked his car up on some bridge and casually leaped over the railing with "no hesitation." In case you were wondering, Tony Scott was a very gifted film director. His most popular film was Top Gun. Top Gun was the heartwarming story of the homosexual love triangle between Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, and that guy who was in a hospital show and a movie called:

 Goose was way more awesome in Gotcha! than in Top Gun. Like, in Top Gun he was a pilot and everything, but then, in the middle of the movie he kills himself by ejecting from his fighter jet! I mean, how pathetic is that? What's the point of ejecting when you're just going to die anyway? This happens even before he has a chance to dump Meg Ryan and have hot sweaty gay homo sex with Tom Cruise and Ice! On the other hand, it was kinda cool because Tom Cruise cried. At least in Gotcha!, Duck gets wrecked on Absinthe while pissing off a snooty french waiter, gets Linda Fiorentino, and defeats the KGB with a freakin' DART GUN! Oh, and naturally, the darts were red. After all, symbolism can be very important in shitty movies. 

Speaking of shitty movies, Tony Scott also directed Beverly Hills Cop 2, starring Eddie Murphy and featuring a pre-geriatric Brigitte Nielsen. He also directed a movie about lesbian vampires called The Hunger, starring Susan Sarandon's breasts.

His greatest claim to fame, (and only true classic was a little indie film called True Romance. For the first time in his career, the actual romance aspect of the story involved a heterosexual couple. Of course, in the film, Clarence and Alabama are no ordinary couple.

Besides not being gay, Clarence (portrayed by Christian Slater while he was still watchable) and Alabama (portrayed by what's her face from some tv show and Dream Warriors) are actually married! Clarence, however is a raving psychopath who receives instructions to commit murder from Elvis while urinating. Also, after accidentally coming into possession of a suitcase full of cocaine, he decides the best course of action is to drive it cross country to sell off in California. You know, as opposed to turning it over to the police, or anything. For the sake of argument, he should have at least stored it in a locker or something while securing a buyer rather than driving all around hell and creation with a trunk load of prison! To make a long story short, by the time the movie ends, Clarence is responsible (directly and indirectly) for the untimely deaths of at least ten people.

Alabama is typical Florida white trash even though she makes it a point to say otherwise during the first act. She's also a call girl who believes that the terms "call girl" and "whore" are not synonymous despite referring to her employer as her "pimp." During the course of the film, she tries too hard to be cute and sexy, and can't find a bra that fits. She also kills Tony Soprano.

So what legacy did Tony Scott leave us? Many valuable life lessons such as:
1) Only white trash rednecks and sociopaths have heterosexual relationships
2) Fighter jets hate gays
3) Susan Sarandon never looked good, even topless
4) Murder is okay as long as you only target pimps, gangsters, cops, and civilians.
5) Eddie Murphy began taking bad roles long before Daddy Day Care

Worst of all is that by perpetuating his own untimely death, Tony Scott inadvertently created an outlet for annoying people across the globe to post fake condolences on facebook for the next two days! Thanks a lot, Tony!